This is a blog series I have been wanting to write since we got home from Be Activated in July, but to be honest I have been a little bit scared. I am not scared of much, but this article intimidates me. I want to talk about how disconnected I have been from my own body, how our Be Activated session in July linked me back up and then how that has positively affected my views of myself and on my sexuality. Talking about this stuff on a public forum feels pretty intense but I want to do it because no one else is having the conversation. I know I can’t be the only 40-ish year old female (person for that matter, dudes can feel this way to) who didn’t/doesn’t feel very sexual because she didn’t/doesn’t feel very attractive.
So, bear with me. It is going to take a few steps before I can pull it all together. This article will be safe – no sex talk here – so dive in and I hope it helps.
My story is no different than most of my clients through the years. If you are a trainer you hear some version of this from all new clients:
“I was so skinny when we got married, but then life happened and I don’t look anything like that girl/guy anymore”
Truth. Here is what I looked like when we got married. I had dieted down to 145 lbs., which for me is very skinny. In fact, I over-dieted and my dress was to big on my wedding day. It was strapless and the bodice was so loose that when I was out on the dance floor I went to jump up and down during a song and my boobies jumped up with me and right out of my dress. Ha! The photographer even got it on camera, although she did delete the picture. I am not going to lie to you, I LOVE the way I look in these photos.
That was in 2009. Today, 10 years later, I am a solid 188 lbs. and have been as high as 195 lbs. I battle with this extra weight but due to stress and poor self-control I can’t manage to get much off. When I got back into competing in powerlifting in 2015/2016 the weight helped me reach some life-long goals. I wanted to squat and deadlift 400 lbs in a competition. And I did accomplish that, but I can’t really use the “I’m a powerlifter” schtick anymore to explain away my weight gain. Powerlifting bloat is sexy, but apparently not on me. Combine that with the fact that I am not “young” anymore and for the past few years I have been seriously depressed about the way I look. This is all self-imposed. I could tell you with 100% clarity that Marc/Spud has no issue with my size. My issue hasn’t been about not feeling attractive enough for him, but not feeling attractive enough for myself.
Each time we have been to Be Activated we have gone with an intent. My intent this time was to get right in my head with what it means to be a leader/owner at Spud, Inc. How should I act, what my authority should be like and how I should create the kind of atmosphere for my employees that will make them strive to be the best. Well, at least I thought this was my intent. Actually, what I really needed was to confront my feelings about who I was and how felt about the way I looked. Confronting these issues, I soon would realize, would carry over into the work stuff. I didn’t need to change my work relationships, I needed to change my relationship with myself.
In the words of Gru from “Despicable Me”: LIGHT BULB. My lightbulb and one of the biggest gifts that I was given during this Be Activated was a simple sentence: “Beauty is not about size, Beauty is about movement”. I heard this sentence during a night out for dinner. The conversation went on and we talked about how even though Victoria’s Secret models are drop dead gorgeous, many of them don’t move well and once you see that dis-ordered movement pattern their sexiness diminishes. I tried it. As soon as we got home, I went on YouTube and watched some Victoria Secret fashion shows through the lens of Be Activated/RPR and I began to see the patterns of movement – who looked flawless and who looked like a super tall and thin stomping rhinoceros. Cue Gru: LIGHT BULB.
(Yes, I know when you look at these beautiful ladies it is hard to think that maybe they don't move so good. But trust me, once you see it you see it even though they look AMAZING)
This was a first step. Maybe. Just maybe. I was being to hard on myself? Could I find my sexiness and be a little heavier than I wanted to be? I found that an idea that was certainly worth exploring.
This was our third time going through the 4 day Be Activated course with Douglas Heel. The first time we went through it was really to get Marc a release and help him find his way back to himself. If you haven’t read the blog he wrote about that you can read it here: . We came home and he did 30 minutes of activations a day, but I found an excuse not to. The second time we went through I was gung-ho for a month or so but then I got bored with it and stopped doing it. I couldn’t have explained why to you then, it isn’t because the activations weren’t working, I just didn’t have the motivation to carve out the time each day to feel better.
The third time, I have come home and I do 30 – 45 minutes of activations a day and not only do I feel so much better I also have come to realize WHY I was unable to make myself be compliant the first two times and it is all wrapped up in the connection I had with my body.
I will explain what this means and what has actually changed in my next blog. Stay tuned. There probably won’t be any talk about sex in that blog either but if you stick with me I promise to get to the good stuff eventually.